Tuesday, 23 October 2012

And the answer would never be straight forward anyway

In truth, I never expected anyone to read my non-sense ramblings, so why write them? Well it's a way to get shit off my chest and helps me to think and also i find it helpful to read back when my heads a mess and take my own advice... Not as easy as it sounds. So life's crept up on me and litterelly thrown a boyfriend in the pick and mix I call my life and it's cool, unexpected but cool, It's funny though cuz seems I'm now more attractive to men now I'm not single. Wtf! People are screwed up, it's like I'm forbidden fruit!! That naughty snake can stay away from me thank you very much!! Joking aside I'm not good with change and with new excitement comes new uncertainty and I'm finding all that quite difficult, I'm trying hard to be an adult and be sensible and logical about things but can feel the stupid kid inside of me freak out a little when he doesn't text back or doesn't get in on time, it's silly and I'm doing my head in, trying really hard to play it cool and not get jealous but I guess I'm only human and I am female after all, if I didn't get insecure when I think he's checking other girls out then I guess it would mean I didn't give a shit about him... And I do... I don't like it lol I don't do this anymore!! I'm old enough to know better and I should be sensible and reasonable now but it's hard to keep suppressing the little school girl inside of me that wants to smile constantly and get butterflies, I'm making myself annoyed at how sappy I'm getting and I fucking hate sap. It's hard suppressing it and I wish I didn't have to but I do. I swore to myself that I'd never put myself in this position again but I have and I've got to suffer the consequences. Good or bad. Wondering if he reads these now... Hmm. Well anyway, life's pretty interesting ATM, one way or another, feeling lots of things I forgot existed, not all of them good but it's still interesting to know I can actually feel something haha. I've been thinking a lot about family and friends lately, been sooooo broke that I haven't seen both for about a month and its a bit lame. Need to have a fudge around of my priorities I think, it's too easy to spend your money and time with a new guy and not have anything left for anyone else, works getting in the way ATM also but that's life, FOUR MORE YEARS!! Four more years and ill be a qualified nurse, starting my degree in psychological health getting freaked out by the criminally insane hoping they don't find out where I live. Been wishing lately that my hobbies were cheaper and the cheaper ones more exciting, I can be a very boring person some times, that really scares me, I'm either boring or too manic, never Inbetween, ill be surprised if I can find someone who can put up with me long term, even I annoy myself sometimes!! Sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed hanging out with mates on drugs, at least that way I fit in lol. Maybe take up retelin... Could be the way forward, nothing seems to be making my bipolar any better anymore just delaying the inevitable slide or episode and I've got a lot to lose now when it happens. I don't know if I'd rather be manic or depressed, as weird as that sounds to most people it's sometimes harder to be manic, it effects your breathing and ability to judge things, you take risks and do drugs and drink excessively, you think things that are unreasonable and get paranoid, stay awake for days , don't eat, spend money you don't have, sweat like a bitch, grind your teeth till your jaw aches, everything like your on drugs I guess, I mean, I took my resting heart rate earlier just after I'd manage to calm myself down a bit and it was still 132bpm... Not good, feels like I'm gonna have a heart attack some days, yet, the depressive side... You've got not being able to stay awake, leave the house, go to work, eating to much or not at all, staying in and not talking to anyone for ages, hating yourself and life, being generally miserable and sad.... I dunno what's worse, both of these states push people away yet I'm pretty much always gonna be one of the two. I know it's not easy for the people I'm close to to understand and deal with but I just wish they could know its not easy for me either, it's not just something I can snap out of and it's not something I want to have so it's not fair that I worry I'm gonna end up sectioned  or alone cuz gen pop cant handle me!? I put a ? There cuz I dunno if I worded that right, so this started off all happy and has ended a bit glum ... Gay huh, I could make it into a shit sandwich... That's a selling term where you give good news then bad news then good news in the hope that the person is so caught up in the first good news that  by the time they get to proccessing the bad news  your already giving them more good news, :D and that children, is a shit sandwich. You'll never forget that. Ok so ill end by talking about breast implants, I'm getting some, kinda, next year I plan to enhance my bust but I'm kinda scared about it invade they feel mank. That is all.